Indians Fan User License and Yolk Agreement
(eye fule ya)
The Cleveland Indians Baseball Club agrees to provide entertainment in the form of sports addiction and perhaps fulfilment in exchange for the following:
The Indians customers, henceforth to be known as Fans or Hopeless Optimists, agree to accept any game result, not matter how frustrating, annoying or anxiety provoking.
The results to be tolerated by fans include, but are not restricted to, senseless losses to the New York Yankees like the 8-1 humiliation experienced Sunday, Aug. 6. Lost fly balls, such as the one misplayed by Abraham Almonte in the sixth inning, far-too-late pitching substitutions, such the one that didn’t happen in same inning, and many other hair-pulling experiences must be accepted by all fans without violence, litigation or demands for explanation by Indians management. Hopeless optimists are allowed to voice their opposition to the Indians’ boners but said fans must understand that they can be overwhelmed by noise from individuals backing other teams who attend Indians games for their own enjoyment.
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The Indians shall be held harmless for the consequences of any false promises, tempting but unfulfilling hints of championships and the phony promises and where none exists.
In particular, fans are directed to pay attention to varying performances of pitchers (Fickle Fastballers Fumbling Fate) who appear to be Bob Feller in early innings, pitching numerous no-hit frames followed by performances better associated with Wayne Garland. This concept shall be known as the Carlos Carrasco Factor in honor of the right-hander’s 5.2 inning, six-hit, five-earned-run performance on Sunday, Aug. 6, and many other recent days our lawyers were too lazy to look up.
Indians hitters also are to be held harmless for any blame, much as the baseballs are held harmless when said batters try to perform late in the game.
Hopeless Optimists are encouraged to remain for the entire game, not so much because they might see a comeback (silly fools) but because they are likely to become thirsty and purchase $10 beverages and $6 hot dogs (excluding the condiments who race between innings; they are subject to a different user agreement: Sloppy Shirt Stain Silliness Indemnity)
Fans also are prohibited from suing the Indians, demanding their money back or shouting their true feelings in the presence of children, Fans seeking relief are advised to listen to Cleveland Talk Radio where the Indians are rarely mentioned, even when they are winning. (See Third-String Quarterback and Nuts Native to Ohio Clause of the Talk Radio Agreement)
In particular, Fans are advised against undo hope beyond this season as the New York Yankees, henceforth and forever to be known as the Evil Empire, appear to be on the verge of another long series of revolting excellence, partly aided by the Indians (See Clint Frazier).
Fans agree not to file suit in any legitimate court. Instead they are directed to visit one of Progressive Field’s many statues and tell their grievances to the bronze therein. Salt for pounding will be provided upon request.