Look, I know you’re a little busy right now getting ready for your long night out, but if you would just take a peek at my wish list before you get ready for take-off, that would be wonderful and would mean a lot to me. I’ve been a good boy this year, so you can’t really decline me… Right…?
Anyhoo, this is my list for this year. I don’t ask for much.
10. Jason Kipnis Returns to Form: Last year was a nightmare, and I may or may not have said numerous phrases that could’ve landed me on the Naughty List, as well as the Naughty List of the FCC. I get a mulligan, right? I mean, you’ve stubbed your toe before, right? Or when stepped in reindeer gifts, getting your boots all messed up. You gotta understand momentary lapses in self-control, because I think I did pretty good considering I watched Dirtbag do nothing but strike out or get hurt.
9. The Ability to Jedi Mind Trick Chris Antonetti Into Jedi Mind Tricking the Dolans Into Doing Something Crazy and Impulsive: Max Scherzer and James Shields are still out there and I keep thinking with my little crazy think-box, “It’s weird that they’re still out there. I have no idea why, and I know that both guys would cost more than I have any right to expect in both money and/or prospects (and I’m a prospect hoarder as it is; eternally fearful of watching our guys turn into their guys and bludgeoning us to death for the next 15 years), but wouldn’t Scherzer be like, the ultimate “GO FOR IT!!!” move?” You’ll probably skip over this one, I know.
9a. Speaking of Jedi Mind Tricks, a Time Machine, Please: Because, this.
8. Brandon Moss to Be Adam Dunn Without the Hideous Strikeout Numbers: We have enough guys already who swing for the moon. I know that strikeouts have become less and less of a problem for people due to the rise of analytics in the game of baseball, but it’s still annoying. And .265/25/85 isn’t too hopeful, right? He’s moving from a place where hitters tend to drift away into a new park that is heaven for lefties. Though nobody knows yet how the stadium refurbishment will impact how the game goes at home, Moss appears to be a shrewd deal. I’d love it if he were to pan out.
7. Swisher’s Knees Don’t Turn to Dust and Bourn’s Hamstring Doesn’t Shred Itself to Floss: The best thing that could happen is that they could be traded (Jedi Mind Trick!), but that would be a tough pill to swallow in terms of what we would have to take back; which wouldn’t be a whole heckuva lot. So, like Kipnis, if they could play, I dunno, 155 games (boy, am I asking a lot of them and you) and not look like zombies while doing it, all the better.
6. Bubble Wrap For the Guys who Carry Us: If Kluber, Brantley, Gomes, Carrasco, Bauer, et. al. even get so much as skinned knees, so help me… (This is likely to send me straight to the 2015 Naughty List if this happens. Just warning you in advance, Big Jolly.)
Who am I kidding? KLUBOT SUPERIOR; INJURIES ARE OF FLESH AND SINEW.
7. For Carlos Carrasco to Build on His Ascension: Adam Hintz’ faith in this guy has been rewarded. It took a while to come around, but I am fully on the Cookie Train as well. Now, is Kevin Cash, now the skipper of the Rays, the only guy who made it through to him? Can Mickey Callaway continue his magic as the best pitching coach in all of baseball? Please Santa, don’t let this be a tease.
6. For Josh Tomlin to Make Like a Cowboy and Ride Off Into the Sunset: Gavin Floyd can’t be any worse, and unlike Tomlin, Floyd does have something of a track record of sustained success. Tomlin’s “One Night in Seattle” turns out to be the title of his future ten-page memoir and that’s that.
5. More Gum For Tito: Whatever bag of Dubble Bubble you can find for this man’s stocking, he will be forever chewy.
4. For Sandy Alomar to Get the Manager Gig He So Deserves…Somewhere: When I heard it was Cash who got the Tampa job and not Sandy, who has “paid his dues,” I was very surprised. If there’s a more qualified guy on the staff who deserves the right to steer his own ship (let’s not kid ourselves, he got the rug pulled out from underneath him with Tito’s hire and never once complained about it), it’s him. He’s probably waiting until 2015 now, but this is past due. He’s ready.
3. For Giambi AND Thome to Be Coaches Under Tito: This feels more like pure hope, but Giambi is the Tribe’s Yoda (sorry, Star Wars is on my mind) and Thome was the leader back in the day. This is still a very young team, and these guys have influence that will be nothing short of valuable.
2. Underwood Stops Making Me Facepalm; Manning Refrains From Throwing Underwood Out of the Booth Window: Matt’s gotta get better someday, right…? BW does have a pretty solid journalism curriculum, and you’d think he’d finally figure it out.
1. And my number one wish to You, Santa Claus…
You can pull this off, right?