A couple weeks ago, I posted the STOOPID rankings for last season’s position players. Now it’s time to look at the 2013 pitchers. STOOPID is, of course, an acronym for Subjective Trianble Of Originality Plus Irrationality Dividend. It’s a way of measuring the entertainment value of any given player (or manager).
The measuring standard is as follows:
Name (worth maximum of 1.0)
Appearance (worth maximum of 1.5)
Quirks (worth maximum 2.0)
Irrationality Dividend (worth maximum of 3.0)
Cody Allen N(.5)+Q(.5)=1.0
Any player with a cowboy name automatically gets .5, and he now owns a chicken that is also named Cody. Plus, when you do a Google Image Search for “Cody Allen,” you get his photo, pictures of guys that look like they’re in boy bands, and guys who look like felons. That’s entertainment, my friends.
Trevor Bauer N(.5)+Q(1.0)+ID(1.5)=3.0
Baeur only started four games for the Indians last season but his pre-game long toss routine (which is a kick to watch in person), truly sub-standard rapping skills, and overall in-your-face attitude demand that I include him.
Carlos Carrasco N(.5)+ID(1.0)=1.5
An alliterative name is an automatic .5. The Irrationality Dividend is typically reserved for off-the-field antics, but getting ejected for throwing at a hitter in your first game back after being suspended for throwing at a hitter seems more irrational than merely a quirk.
Nick Hagadone ID(1.)=1.0
Hagadone gets a 1.5 in Irrationality Dividend for reportedly punching a wall with his pitching hand after a bad outing in 2012. He returned in 2013, pitching 31.1 innings in 36 appearances. His 5.46 ERA and 1.436 ERA make me wish his on-field performance was as good as his off-field performance.
Rich Hill A(.5)=.5
Rich Hill has the honor of being the least entertaining pitcher on the 2013 pitching staff. He gets a nominal .5 in appearance for being on the tall side (6′ 5″). You may not have even noticed that he became a free agent the same day Chris Perez did.
Ubaldo Jimenez N(.5) + Q(.5)=1.0
Jimenez gets a .5 for a name that scans and a .5 in quirks for his Rube Goldbergesque pitching motion. I’d give him a 2.0 for ID for turning down a perfectly fair offer from the team that stuck with him at his lowest and helped him recover his mojo, but I don’t find that entertaining.
Scott Kazmir N(.5)+Q(1.0)=1.5
Names with the letter “Z” in them are fun. Kazmir’s ability to reinvent himself doesn’t necessarily qualify as a quirk, but it isn’t irrational either. Just cool. Too bad about that multi-year contract
Corey Kluber N(.5)+Q(.5)=1.0
Alliteration=.5. And I don’t know if you’d call Kluber’s tendency to frequently fly under the radar a quirk, but the fact that he’s often underrated kind of makes him more fun to watch.
Justin Masterson A(.5)+Q(1.)=1.5
Masterson has always struck me as the quietly subversive guy. He started rocking the bald look at a very young age, plus he’s the one who gave Cody the Reliever Cody the Chicken.
Zach McAllister N(.5)+ID(1.0) = 1.5
An “Mc” is always worth half a point. And while McAllister’s apparent love of good fashion isn’t irrational, somehow it’s surprising.
Chris Perez .5(A) + 1(Q) + 3.0(ID) = 4.5
Statistically speaking, Chris Perez was the most entertaining player on the roster in 2013. He had the big beard and long hair back when the Boston Red Sox were still sporting ridiculous bits of scruff and looking like rejects from Los Lobos. But it’s his wonderfully long list of quirks and mammoth irrationality dividend that puts him over the top. I mean, who else vomits on the mound when he gets excited? And while plenty of athletes, rappers, and other celebrities have put their foot in their mouth on Twitter and in the general media, Perez raised that move to an art form. Plus, he had weed mailed to his dog. He infuriated me at times, but by golly, he was fun to watch.
Vinnie Pestano .5(N) + .5(Q) = 1
The name makes you think of pesto and he sprints out of the bullpen.
Marc Rzepcyznski 1(N) = 1
An 11-letter last name that features only two traditional vowels gets you full marks in the name category.
Danny Salazar N(.5)+A(.5)+Q(.5)=1.5
I like the name “Salazar,” what can I say? The ever-changing facial hair shaved in intricate patterns is good for half a point, and 100 mph fastball mixed with real composure on the mound makes Salazar one of the more entertaining young players on the roster.
Joe Smith Q(1.)=1.0
Sidearm pitching is worth a full point.