We’re a little late (Cleveland is already losing) but my friends have been drinking and we’re ready to live blog!
To catch up, they said Chris Perez = Douchebag.
Erik: If the Twins end up passing the Indians in the standings, the Indians should disband.
– When you’re on a 4 and 20 run…that’s the time to taunt a fan.
Corey – In Oakland!
Erik: And say bro a lot
Corey: Chris Perez says bro four times every 20 seconds. Then shaves his beard.
Corey: We score by the middle column, not the runs. We just get hits.
– Jack Hannahan should just start fighting people. He’s batting an Irishman’s .213.
– We’re ahead 3-1 (only counting hits). Don’t worry, Lou Marson’s coming up.
Erik: Is Lou Marson like the Nick Punto of the Indians?
They’re trying to figure out which team Nick Punto is with (Boston). That devolved into a football conversation somehow.
There are people there in those yellow shirts from last night. Did they just sleep at Safeco last night?
Erik: Where is Jay Buhner? I stopped caring about Mariners baseball right around the time the Mariners lost Buhner and Ken Griffey Jr.
(Now they’re talking about Seattle music and heroin. I think they forgot the game was on.)
Erik: Oh no, it looks like Kipnis has a faux hawk. Automatic douchebag.
Erik: I think about the sports team I follow and I want to do drugs.
Corey: Peyton’s Manning’s forehead looks like a windshield. Ford’s windshields are designed after his forehead.
Corey: The Indians are not losing, they’re up 3-2 because it goes by hits. Errors count as bonus.
Corey: Chris Perez’s beard filtered out comments and made him astute. When he shaved it, he lost power.
Erik: Someday someone will explain to me all of these weird hemp necklaces that MLB players wear.
I’m talking about missing the season ticket holder autograph party on Sunday, and then Corey offered to sign my glove because he’s 1/16th Choctaw.
Corey: Santana is wearing war paint
– Now we’re up 5-2
– Kotchman is 4 for 8? Those are Hall of Fame numbers.
If the Indians got points for double plays, they’d have like a billion points right now.
Corey: (After Matt Underwood called Carrera a Ferrari in cleats) Wouldn’t a Ferrari in cleats not run?
Erik: He didn’t just think of that. He’s had that in his mind for a month, waiting for the opportunity to use it.
The discussion has shifted to the zoo. Erik pointed out that Otters are the greatest animals on earth. The bartender (Aidas) saw a seahawk, and it looked just like the football team’s logo.
Corey: With Kansas City’s loss, we can pull back into fourth place.
So we got distracted by food and also by this video on the Care Bears. Whatever the Care Bears do in this video, we’re pretty sure the Indians could use some of that.
Michael Brantley needs the Care Bear Stare.
Corey: That catcher looks like he’s wearing a bicycle helmet with a Hannibal Lecter mask.
How much would a real team have raised for the Gathering Place by now?
Corey: I’m sure Kotchman will strike out violently
– Wait, Chris Perez is pitching for the Mariners?
I had to mention this thing, that I photographed when I visited Safeco a few years ago:
Erik: If anyone could chop the ball to second, it’s Jack Hannahan.
Corey: Don’t lock me into your postmodern world where runs matter.
Let it be known that the Indians tied the game after we started watching that Care Bear video. That is the power of the Care Bears.
Again, this is all I can think of when I see John Jaso.
They’re making fun of the rainbow sunglasses – “Who do you think you are? Bobby Bonilla, circa 1987?”
We realized that each of us should have a laptop, and that we should be commenting on this blog, as I’m writing this blog.
Smoak’s been a pretty big disappointment, I think. It seemed like they had high hopes when they traded for him.
Corey: Braveheart is up. (Santana)
Erik: This guy’s name is Charlie Furbush. Nothing else needs to be said…game over.
(I will spare you from the 5,343 Furbush jokes that took place until they switched pitchers. Actually, the jokes are still going, even though he’s gone.)
Corey: This (pinch hit scenario) is the closest to playoffs strategy we’re going to get.
I can’t believe Manny Acta’s arguing…he never seems to leave the dugout. And it looks like he (Seager) got the hand in before Cabrera got the glove on him.
I don’t think any amount of Care Bear videos on You Tube are going to help the Indians at this point.
Is Choo really staring up into the sun, trying to catch foul balls without sunglasses?
Every time I see Kyle Seager, I get Bob Seger songs stuck in my head.
So now the Indians have lost eight in a row, and they’re off tomorrow before the Yankees come to town this weekend. Like last night, they outhit the Mariners, but they only scored five runs in the entire series. They were shutout last Sunday, so basically they scored five runs in the past four games. Vinnie Pestano took his first loss of the year; it was just a matter of time before this disease of being terrible caught up with him. I’m so glad this is the last game I’m writing about this week, because I honestly can’t bring myself to write about this team for a few days!
Big thanks to my alcohol-consuming friends and the Jolly Scholar at CWRU for hosting our outing this afternoon. This post marks a bit of a milestone for me – it’s my 300th. In honor, here’s a clip of the Rifftrax gang making fun of the film 300.