Now that the regular baseball season has ended and the World Series is well underway, it is painfully clear even to people like me that the Cleveland Indians simply aren’t going to make the playoffs in 2011. Given this sad reality, the regulars of It’s Pronounced Lajaway decided to hold a small party to lick our metaphorical wounds and to reminisce about the events of the past season.
Unfortunately, Susan and Stephanie scheduled this party for the last day of Cleveland Beer Week. We weren’t going to drink anything stronger than our usual Shirley Temples, but some Texas Rangers fans at the next table over started mocking us, and we succumbed to peer pressure and had a few beers. Okay, okay, we had a LOT of beers.
As the evening progressed, or regressed, Susan and Stephanie and I took out our smartphones and began to send text messages to various Indians players and front office staff. In the interest of full disclosure, we are publishing these texts here, before they show up on TMZ.com.
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From: Susan
To: hafner48@indians.com
Travis, you don’t know me, but I’ve been watching your batting stance closely. VERY closely. I think I could give you some tips on how to get more wood on the ball. Let’s talk soon!
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From: Stephanie
To: chrisperez@indians.com
Chris, I just thought of a great idea. You should market a brand of bacon and call it “Chris P. Bacon!” Get it? CRISPY BACON! People in Cleveland LOVE bacon! It’s like a license to print money, I tell ya!
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From: Vern
To: 19winsin2007@indians.com
Fausto, you are so erratic, I don’t have a love-hate relationship with you: it’s more like a love-hate-hate-hate-love-love-hate-love-love-hate-hate-love relationship.
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From: Susan
To: choochoo@indians.com
Shin-Soo, I like to have a few drinks now and then too, but I always make sure I have a designated driver. Just sayin’.
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From Stephanie
To: duncmeister@indians.com
Shelley, you are a pretty good player, but I gotta tell ya this: you have a girl’s name! LOL!
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From: Vern
To: joshjudy@indians.com
Josh, you’re an OK player, but I gotta tell ya this: you have a girl’s name! LOL!
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From: Susan
To: masterful1@indians.com
Justin, I dunno if you ever knew this or not, but “Justin Masterson” is an anagram for “Jauntiness Storm.” Just thought you should know that.
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From: Stephanie
To: tribeprez@indians.com
Hey Mark Sha-PIE-row: You need to get us some more SLUGGERS!!!1!!!1! KTHXBAI
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From: Vern
To: thomenator@indians.com
Jim, you don’t know me, but I’ve been watching your batting stance closely. VERY closely. I think I could give you some tips on how to oh wait oh my god I am so drunk I better not send this
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Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction. There was no such party, no such text messages were sent, and none of us had too much to drink last night. Well, one of us did, but let’s not point any fingers.